I hate days when I'm standing on the edge. I try so hard to be calm and at peace, but sometimes external influences are just too strong for me to beat and I start to spiral. Despair creeps in and I know I'm heading out to deep water again. The tears wont stop and the internal static becomes so loud I can't hear or sense the Angels even though I know they are there.
Days like this make me want to double the cotton wool layer around myself so that whatever it is can't reach in and cause all this hurt and turmoil. The worst thing about anti-depressants is that they wont kick in for 3 or 4 weeks, by which time this will have passed. In my heart I know it will pass, it has to, but right now I feel like taking a step over that edge and letting myself fall.
I know that I am lucky to be living the life I have and in many ways it is so blessed, but depression doesn't care about that. No matter how many times I kick myself up the butt I just can't shake it.
What would it be like to take that fall and succeed? Would the turmoil be over then? I can't do it though. I've done it before and it wasn't my time. I was sent back. So I know that I just have to ride this out and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
1 comments:
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but do know you are not alone, and that it will get better.
Have you read "The Zen Path Through Depression" by Philip Martin? I can't claim to have read it cover to cover, but during my biggest anxiety/depression I would read bits and pieces and found it very helpful.
Please feel free to email me (I think you can do so through Expect Wonderful).
Sending energy and my best wishes,
~Patrick
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