A Map of Depression

 

Depression is something that I've lived with for the last 10 years. It was probably there a lot longer, but that's when I was diagnosed. It was a bit of shock to be told that; I was supposed to be a rufty tufty bobby and immune to such things. The worst blow was when I was filling out an application form for a mortgage and amidst the medical questions was 'Do you have a mental illness?' To clarify the question there was a list of conditions, depression being one of them. I didn't understand much about the workings of the mind and body back then and I had always thought being depressed was just a mood. I've found that where I have limitations of perception and compassion the universe likes to send me things to experience for myself first hand and that's why I believe I have this, so that I may be able to understand and help others with the compassion I had been lacking before.

My experience of depression when it's running out of control is that the inside of your head becomes like a compass with a magnet held over it; the needle loses any sense of where it is supposed to be pointing and just spins wildly. I used to feel like that; I spun between the extreme highs, where I would be like a Border Collie on speed, to unrelenting despair and sadness and then there were the days when I was trapped in a cloud of fear or caught up in a rage. All were equally destructive.

I decided I needed a map to help me find my way out of the confusion and to keep myself centred and also to help me recognise where I was so that I would know which direction to swim in. So I drew a version of this. The island at the centre is the goal, somewhere to feel safe and happy, but that would also give me a good view to see things coming that would trigger the negative responses before they were close enough to take effect. The depths of the water are the overwhelming sadness, where no matter how hard you try to swim you just cannot reach the surface and you start to lose all hope. Fear descends like a fog on one side, introducing paranoia and on the other side is a tsunami wave of rage. The highs were great and had some interesting results; a dragon tattoo and a motorbike to name but two. Some people loved to be around for those; they were wild and exciting, but the descent was always rapid and then the good-time friends vanished into the shadows. Some friends could handle it and stood by no matter which way the compass was pointing. Thank you to those people.

I still use this map when I feel like the depression is getting too tight a grip and I try to get back to my island again.